I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
