the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
