Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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