Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
