Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
