Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Randomize
