you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
