worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
