I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
