How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
