Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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