If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
