ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
