you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
