Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
