Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
