I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
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