Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Its about making memories worth repressing
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
