Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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