god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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