My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I've blown a few things in my day
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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