I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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