i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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