Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I think I won the penis lottery.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You're like the curious george of whores
It was like getting head from an anaconda
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
