Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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