Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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