She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
