she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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