I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
