Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
And then he peed in my hair
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
