So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
