I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
