Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
