i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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