the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
