sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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