Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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