dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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