Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
