just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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