It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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