Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I fill condoms, not promises.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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