Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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