Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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