I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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