captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
