she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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