I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Let's get the cat blown out
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
