I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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