hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
