apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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