I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
