i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
