Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
