My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
