90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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