its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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